What Mothering Truly Means
To women AND men everywhere, mothering is not gendered. At least not to my eye. It is the quality of affirming the heart of another being, of attunement that allows another to know they are seen and valued for their being and not their doing. Mothering means listening others into deeper contact with that which is essential and eternal and beyond the realm of doing and resume. I know. My father turned out to have the gift of mothering.
But mothering is something else as well. It is seeing one’s own and another’s “flaws” “defects” and “deficits” as equally essential and required for their life purpose and for their own becoming … and for ours. This is perhaps the most difficult of the relationship experiences we humans are asked to submit to. To surrender our preferences for other people’s positive aspects (our own too) and learn to fully welcome the difficult aspects of others (and oneself) with a sense of curiosity and wonder. To trust that the prickly parts are FOR them and FOR us too.
Just as the obstacles in life are not in the way of the path, they are the path. This is true because the obstacles turn out to be necessary to bring our hidden potential to the surface. Let’s turn toward those road blocks with expectancy, even wonder. Ask, “How is this FOR me?” Or “How can I turn this into something that is FOR me?” Or “20 years from now, when I look back at this road block, how do I want to tell the story about how I chose to met this moment?” Then let your imagination out to wander around and see what it brings home to you.
To unconditionally love ourselves or another person, especially our children is maybe the hardest of tasks to complete. To my eye, it seems to require the better part of a life to learn. Just as a human being is not fully grown (brain development is complete) until somewhere between 28 and 32 years of age, it takes a long time to truly mother yourself or anyone else. Give yourself grace. Be generous to self and others with your gaze. Because as Anne Lamott reminds us: “We are all just walking each other home.”
Each of you love someone or something enough to offer them/it this clear-eyed mercy and reverence. We are all sacred. We are of the stars. Our prickly parts too! Maybe especially those! Happy Mother’s Day to us all.