Creating adult-adult relationships with your children

I received a very late b'day card ... Reasons I'm happy you were born, it read.  The sender is one of my children.  The 10 reasons written made me weep. I often receive other cards from my other child, post cards from travel destinations, thank you notes, etc. Both of these remarkable human beings treat me as a person separate and not simply their mother. They are 29 and 33 years old.I remember thinking when they were 17 and 21 that they might be two of the most interesting and fine humans I would ever meet (of course I am biased but it was also what I truly believed about them). I also thought I did not want to be stuck forever in the role of only "their mother" and never seen as a human who had passions beyond her children.  Full disclaimer:  that is exactly how I treated my parents, as if they existed only in the role of my mom and my dad. And I didn't want that relationship with my own children. I suspect my parents wanted more with me too.  I wish I had known or paid attention.  Where was my curiosity about the two remarkable humans who loved and raised me?  It was missing.But unlike my parents, I am more demanding. I knew I wanted adult-adult relationships with my children. So when they turned 21 and 17, I began a journey to make sure that was a possibility for us. That journey was treating them like they could teach me things. Of course, I still had things to teach or share with them, but I found I was profoundly interested in the world they inhabited (in spite of my fears about it) and more importantly I was interested in them and how they were navigating said world.Fast Forward: I have ended up creating a bit of a niche in coaching Millennials mid and high level executives.  I really do love them!  AND since they (millennials in general, my children in particular) were little I always had a hunch they knew things...were plugged into something different and I wanted in on that stuff.  Today, I would say this is probably always true. I used to think it was just true about that generation. I was wrong. I find it equally true about the one coming behind them. Those kiddos in Florida from Marjory Stoneman Douglas, I would love to talk to them. I am fascinated by a young woman, Emma Gonzales, still in high school, who held an entire audience on a large stage in Washington DC for 6+ minutes in silence while she simply witnessed her own suffering and that of her peers. Who are these people? I don't know but I want to...  and I hope you do too.  What if each generation that is born, along with it's particular challenges also comes with particular gifts, well suited to help society navigate a particular part of the evolutionary journey toward wholeness?But even if this is not true, what if the secret to experiencing a sense of belonging with anyone and everyone ...is recognizing that this person/generation in front of you has an experience you don't know or maybe you can't even understand BUT you might be able to  share. You could witness his or her story.  You can tell them you "see" them. They are real. Their experience is real.And that my friends is the difference.Those of you who know me, know that I don't miss a chance to "teach" to educate. BUT I also don't miss a chance to ask a "real question". My question, is born of my own genuine curiosity. All I have to remember is to not ask it aggressively so it reads as "justify yourself" but instead reads as real curiosity. So it reads as "wonder." My name is my reminder to Wonder … To Wonder what someone else knows, thinks, feels that I can't imagine.And therein lies the difference between a life of tedium and decline and a life filled with wonder and awe. 

Thankful for Wonder and Wonders

As you know I am a Wonders.  Daughter of Robert John Wonders, Mary Skotze Wonders, niece of Helen Wonders Chandler, Marion Wonders Wollum, Louise Wonders McKinnon, Lucy Wonders Doney, Virginia Wonders Rahoi, Joseph Wonders, and Harry Wonders.  And Granddaughter of Claire Lemieux  Wonders to whom I owe my middle name and my beloved Harry Wonders.  He was only in my life for my first six years but I simply adored him and I am not sure I will ever know why.  Why does a six year old love one human to the moon and back and not others?  I do not know but I do know it isn't because her smart brain took a tally, or came to value assessment or built a spread sheet to point her in the right direction.She simply loved who she loved for reasons unknown to her.  And that is what I want to write about today:The reasons unknown.  Why do we love this one and not that one?  Why do we get triggered by this one and not that one?  But this isn't just about humans.  Look through out your day.  You have clear preferences for all kinds of things, from your favorite kind of pasta, to your preferred coffee house, (today mine is Champion on Nassau Ave in Greenpoint (Brooklyn), a block from my daughter's apartment),  your route to the grocery store, etc.  What is your favorite time of day?  Mine: sunrise or sunset.  My favorite day of the week is Saturday, and I am not even Jewish.  My favorite season Autumn edges out spring, summer and winter by which also delights.  But when fall arrives, I am done.   I am at home.  Leaves turning, the transition between the uber fullness of summer and the quiet barren landscape of winter, the transformation of green leaves into the bare branches of the season is the one I savor most.  And luckily, living in Dallas TX, our autumn cycle is a slow circuitous path to the shortest of days.Do you ever wonder why you prefer one thing and not another, one man over all others, one woman?  A season?  A book?  A movie? Anything?  What is the preference making vehicle we all come factory loaded with?I wonder this a lot.  And not just for myself,  but for all of us.  I think our preferences, desires, longing, affiliations and affections are glimpses of our individual souls, if you believe in such.  If you don't then they are a peek into our essential self.  It is the nest of our distinctness, like a cuckoo clock popping out on the hour, we too reveal ourselves to ourselves and to each other through our affections.Isn't that the loveliest of thoughts?  Don't know who you are?  Wonder who you came here to be?  Just look to your affections and in due time all will be revealed.Yes, our preferences could also arise from longstanding, unconscious habits but even so, they were born out of either random chance or our particular resonance (the cuckoo popping out) to that particular thing.  And if our habits began out of a random choice, a preference, an affinity for that choice set in early and thus it became a habit.Why is that?  I think because our soul wants to be revealed, first and foremost to us, so we can follow it's code.  But also it wants to be let out to dance in the world.  I believe we each come with an "inner chooser" with dislikes and likes.  Affections and repulsions.  Longings and aversions.And why does this matter?  Because the inner chooser, (I will name her, Joy) is also our inner compass who can help us find our way home.  And by home I mean, to becoming our essential self, the person we came here to be, or who God made us to be.And why does that matter?  Because that my dear friends, is the miracle of life.  It is the wonder of life.So as we enter the season of wonder and awe that is initiated in Thanksgiving and ends in the positive resolve of a fresh new year, my favorite essayist comes to mind:  Anne Lamott.   I wish for us all a moment where "We start to get a hint of the power and sweetness and absurdity of life and to see it not as all fragile and harsh but as real, the really real.  We get buoyancy and, God knows, sometimes even effervescence.  Perspective doesn't reduce the gravitas, it increases reverence."Let's all raise our glasses and toast to wonder, reverence and effervescence.      

They're really saying I love you...

They’re really saying “I love you”…Everyone who has heard this song loves it.  It is a song of wonder and joy.  A song of seeing deeply to the heart of what is happening.  Yes, on one level that person that just reached out and said “Hi” or “What’s up?”  or “How’s it going?” is following a customary greeting practice when we meet someone.  But what Louis Armstrong knew, is that this was only the surface of the interaction.  At the heart of the greeting was “I love you”,  a desire for connection and community; an example of caring and kindness.I can almost hear your smart minds going, “How can s/he know that?” Or maybe it is saying “That is a sweet idea but really? Come on.”   Here is what I know for sure:  we are all a mess of different feelings and motivations and intentions.  We are everything.  None of us purely good or bad.  That’s what makes us so interesting … and impossible to predict!  For me it doesn’t matter if the idea that someone is reaching out to me is accurate or not.  When I choose to see a greeting as a request for contact and connection, my better angels take over, I become someone I admire.  AND the world becomes a little  brighter, softer and filled with wonder!   Just like the song says.So, where can you shift your seeing and hearing just enough to hear "They're really saying "I love you"?  Often it is only those smart minds of ours that cover over our experiences of wonder and joy with the mind's need for predictability and control.  Predictability and control are fine for machines and schedules but they can hurt living things, like relationships.  The choice is ours moment by moment.  This new year, I apprentice myself to wonder and joy.   To turn my dial to the frequency of ..."they're really saying, I love you"  I so hope you will join me. 

Part 2: Moving from one year into the next

 “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs.   Ask yourself what makes you come alive.  And then go and do that.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  Howard ThurmanThis Part 2 of "Moving from one year into the next..." is an invocation or a "call".  You are invited to glimpse your unknown future, to look into your heart and the year ahead and petition God/the gods to release you to your destiny, to your bold angels.  To the part of  you that is courageous, even while fearful, and that is joyful and grateful even in the face of loss.  To the part of you that is ready to "come alive".In this part of this reflection exercise, you are invited to notice what may want to emerge in your life and in you at this time.   When I celebrate the beginning of a new year, I ask myself:  "What is the quality or energy that I want to bring into my life in this brand new year?"  Consider taking  the wisdom of Howard Thurman’s words to his black congregation in the middle of the civil rights movement.  His congregation, some would argue, needed everything, but listen to what he said to them:“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs.   Ask yourself what makes you come alive.  And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”So at the dawn of 2013, why not consider answering the questions below and see if you can glimpse what your bold angels might want for you this year:

1.  What makes you come alive now? 
2. What would fill your life/your world with "lovely"?
3. If you knew you could not fail, what might you do or pursue?
4. Where in your life do you want to live or need to live fearlessly?
5. What could you get truly excited about bringing forward in yourself?  That feeling of “really, really I get to do this or be this?”

Now set this aside for a day or so and come back and reread your answers.  What is the new future you declare for yourself in 2013 and why does it matter to you?  See if you can write that in a short sentence, maybe in the form of a declaration:I am a commitment to ________________________________for the sake of _________________________.The secret in making a declaration an incarnated reality is to keep it top of mind every day.  Make a daily habit of creating 3 small steps you can take toward your declaration.  Do this every day.Happy New Year.  Happy New You.

Part 1: Moving from one year into the next ...

Let my history then, be a gate unfastened to a new life and not a barrier to my becoming.  David Whyte   We humans are such funny creatures.  We have stories about everything and everyone ~ even ourselves!  Maybe especially ourselves.  And unfortunately, we ~ I ~ stick like crazy glue to that story.  Think about it.  When was the last time you surprised yourself by allowing some otherness, some unknown frontier to rise up and … arrest you?  Alter your path?  Carl Jung called that God.  We often think it is the devil!  How dare life deliver anything but our expected results, right?What is also true of us, is that most of us have a story that often differs in small or large ways from others’ stories about us.  Today, on the eve of a new year, we invite you to step outside your story about your history and who you are and who you can be.   Who exists beyond that story?  Discover your unknown, your unclaimed otherness, your becoming.…not known because not looked for…(T.S. Elliot)  So, why not consider seriously aligning with the call of 21st century life?  To trust and welcome the unknown, rather than resist it.  “To learn to love the unknown for itself, to take it gladly like a lantern to help you see where ordinary light will not go.”  For me this line suggests we align ourselves with a positive expectancy, similar to what we felt on Christmas morning as children.  What would be under the tree for us?  Our most cherished desires or something else, yet still wonderful?  Maybe more wonderful?  You are leaders, whether you are leading just yourself, into authenticity or an organization of hundreds.  You are leaders.  And you are 21^st century leaders, living in challenging, uncertain, and unpredictable  and terribly complex times. Now, how do you find your way to say YES to that fierce embrace?

EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

AND

EVERYTHING IS AT STAKE.

What an amazing time to be alive and part of history.  If anyone needs to become comfortable in the unfamiliar, the unknown, it is us: we rational planners and doers. I invite you to place, who you think you are, what you think you love, and what you think is possible for and through you, on your right side.  Set them down.  And allow your left side, your own dear unknown, to offer, to reveal, to announce itself to you.  As you move from this year passing away, it matters to name what is done and complete for yourself so that you can create the space to invite new growth and imagination into your life in 2013.  Consider using these questions to help you become clear about what needs to recede or die back in your life:

1. What is finished, complete in your life now? 
2. Where have you achieved substantial mastery and need to allow that particular gift to recede in order to create space for your next level of growth?
3. Where in your life might you be taking a strength of yours and over using it, or applying it to something that doesn’t need it?   For example, let's say you are a good idea generator.  You have most of them at meetings.  But what if NOW it is time to develop discernment.  The ability to pick between ideas, the one that will really hit it out of the park.    That means listening and observing and reflecting.  Opposite of the idea generator mode.  But if you keep going to the “creative” idea generator, it will actually become a liability.    This is an example of over-doing a strength so it becomes a liability.